You know that place between dream and awake. I love it there. I love to linger there in the stillness. It takes a bit of practice. I found that is a good place to start because that is where I have been given meaningful dreams and messages.
I had gone through a painful heartbreak. The co-dependent that I am, I let myself get caught in the middle of a triangle. The pain of keeping two men content and safe was ripping me apart. My feelings became entangled in torment trying to keep every one happy. Every but me and my own children. I had just gone through a painful marriage and divorce. I had gotten entangled in a dear friend’s divorce. The relationship with him had turned into an on and off care taking experience. I didn’t realize his deeper issues nor that he had developed a drinking problem. The other came along as a want-to-be Knight in shining armor who wanted to save me. Co-dependents attract other co-dependents. It turned into a painful affair for all concerned. When my Knight, came on strong with his desires. I can see now, how I felt bullied and very weak. After six months of his attempts to pressure me into marriage wasn’t getting him anywhere, he hooked up with another. The sad part, he didn’t tell me. He wasn’t honest with me the last time he kissed me and held my hand. I read his intentions that night very wrong. I ignorantly thought we were going to be together once his divorce was final. That we were waiting to make things right so others couldn’t judge us badly. As my counselor kept saying, "He’s divorcing his wife and had an affair. He needs time to deal with his grief, not rush into another relationship." Feeling protective, I ignorantly didn’t tell her just how much time I had been spending with him, secretly. In our small community, I attempted to make him look good. I also wanted to give him time to date to make sure he really loved me like he claimed. True love would win out. I was so focused on being mentally healthy and worthy of my worthy Knight I lost sight of reality. I took on feeling responsible to make him happy instead of following my first feelings or my counselor’s advice. I thought something wrong with me when I didn’t trust him. I was trying hard to make sure I did things right, making him look good in our small community. I even didn’t listen to that little voice. I was confused by the warning, “He will be easily led away by a small helpless female.” Turned out to be true. There were three. The sweet, small sized divorcee had two daughters. They appeared to need their own Knight. The grief and heartbreak brought denial. It couldn't be true. I was confused. Especially after what followed. Once I accepted the truth, that after a few weeks of dating a new person, he had a new love. I wanted to die. I went into a state of depression. I couldn’t or wouldn’t eat. Anorexic, state of mind, “The world would be better off without me.” My children would be better off without me. I couldn’t suicide, not after my Father had left scares on me and my siblings. I couldn’t do that to my children. I would just stop eating. I lived on a little buttermilk to coat my stomach for the pain. I got up and fixed meals for my sons still living at home. I spent most of my hours in bed. Weak and depressed. When my middle son came in and asked me if I wanted the last of the cassarole I had made, his concern became obvious. “I don’t want to eat it if you want it.” His frustrations and generous offer to give me what food was left hit me. His concern for me stopped my spiraling thinking into darkness. His desire for more food shocked me back into reality. I wasn’t present for my boys. I knew at that point that help was needed. For my kids, I had to get help. I was to embarrassed and ashamed to admit to my counselor, she had been right. I called a friend who lived close by. Kenny worked with energy and the Native American Medicine. Kenny and his son Chris came with Eagle Feathers. I was weak. I laid on my sofa as Kenny began to work his healing magic. It didn’t take long before I felt a heavy load lift out of my chest. The physical sensation was real. Kenny said he saw a dark energy lift out of me and leave my house out the window above me, confirming what I had felt. The following weeks, things began to get better. I continued my counseling sessions. I began a journey of healing. The kindnesses of many special and gifted friends seemed to come along at the right times. Focusing on my personal gifts lead to more opportunities of healing. That place between dream and awake opened new insights. There I was given a greater awareness. It became a big step in my healing process. In the early morning hours, as I would wake I would feel my Knight’s arms around me. I felt wrapped in total divine love. It was serene and peaceful in those moments feeling so much divine love. The love one can't put into word. Next, as I was becoming more awake, the reality, my Knight was not with me. He was with someone else now, it was like a knife cutting through my heart. I would feel the deep hurt, which followed with confusion and anger, “God, why would you let me feel this?” Feeling the divine love and joy happened, again. I got hurt and angry again. This time the feeling of divine love that turned to angry and hate were stronger. The third time, was the most important lesson. When it happened, I declared in my mind, “I am hanging onto the love” in my thoughts I kept repeating, "I am hanging onto the love” and I did. Holding on to the feelings of divine love lead to another experience. It was like I had stepped into a new space of light as walls and barriers fell away as if the hard bricks of a solid wall had turned into quickly melting ice and evaporating. Fighting against my pain had given the darkness and the anger more power. Accepting the gift of divine love was an important key to walking through the heavy pain in my heart. The weeks ahead there were the difficult moments. Often, in our small town, I would feel my fallen Knight before I saw him. We had shared something special. Understanding why became a quest. I gained the feeling, “I need to see the ending of this story.” Somehow, I knew, it wasn’t over yet. This awareness of something more to learn, helped me get through the depression and grief. Strange remembering the first weeks that followed, when I did see my Knight in town, it wasn’t him I saw, I saw my Dad. I saw men's hands, hands all over me, touching me, tormenting flashes of memory surfaced. New friends and teachers seemed to appear on my journey to recovery. New opportunities began to open up for me. This single mom was ready to find her way to support her family, alone. Without the help of a man, it was impowering. Kenny past away suddenly. The following years I continued time with his son, Chris and his Mother, Faye. On one experience with Chris, he led me into a meditation, a powerful vision quest. “Pretend you’re an Angel . . . feel the wind on your face . . . you are flying in the air . . . “ It was real. I was an Angel soring over the Green River and Canyons below. The colors were fabulous. I was high in the blue sky, feeling the wind beneath my wings, hair blowing back off my face. The light weight fabric of my turquoise gown seemed to glow. My wings were full and large going high above my head. They were fluffy white with brown flicks and very soft. “Now stop and look to your right. What do you see?” In the distance I heard a faint voice. In mid-flight I tried to look. As I tried to go into a standing position while looking to my right, I couldn’t see. My wings had wrapped around me. I fought them back with my arms and hands. They were full and thick making them hard to manage. I missed seeing what might have been in view. By the time I had rustled with my wings, I was back in the room with Chris. Powerful experience, so powerful I was able to use the experience later at an important time. Training to be a facilitator for the Challenge Course, or the Ropes Course was an exciting adventure for me. Once trained I would be working with youth groups. My first experience was as a participant on the course. As a member of a Women’s Group, Survivors of Sexual Abuse; and later, as a children’s case manager giving children the opportunity to have the opportunity to build confidence. I didn’t fully realize the full benefits of the challenge course until my training. Opportunity to face fears and finding an avenue to over them is the purpose. One can learn more about themselves if they are brave enough to over come the fear of a challenge. During “Lower elements” our group learned teem building activities. Usually activities are on the ground or in a large room. You have the opportunities to learn to trust the members in your group and the leaders in charge. Feeling safe is important if one was to feel comfortable taking part in the more challenging activities ahead. “High Elements” are opportunity to overcome greater fears and build more self-confidents. Utility pokes or trees, ropes, nets, safety gear are required. It is important that all instructors in the group understand the importance of recognizing reactions of participants. Changing emotions and stress can be seen on group members faces when having a difficult time. It was the afternoon session in later part of the day. I had climbed the fifty-foot wall, with safety gear, ropes, harness and team help. Now it was time to come down. I felt physically exhausted. Sitting on the edge of the platform, I went into panic. There’s no way. Looking down, I became petrified. The young leader at the top did her best to encourage me. I was ready to give up and go the easy way down when Annie gave it one last shot, “Pretend you’re an Angel.” Annie said the magic words. That was all it took. “Angel.” I knew I was an Angel with wings. I had flown in the sky. I could do this. So, I did. I dropped, just as Annie said. I went into the “helpless falling feeling.” Then, just as she said, “The rope will catch you. You will feel a big jerk.” It did. Next, I began to sore across the field under the zipline that carried me. It was an exhilarating feeling. I was so excited that I had done it. I wasn’t expecting what happened next. Once safely in a circle with the rest of our team, we began to share our experiences. Each member took a turn. When it was my turn, I could hardly make sense by putting my experience into words. The puzzling question I asked myself for years had come to light. My mystery was solved when I conquered my fear. I jumped. With the help of my Angel, I jumped to a new awareness, into my hidden reality. My brain trusted me with a blocked memory. My brain trusted that I was ready to handle the truth. I remembered, “The last time I saw my Dad alive.” Here I was in my mid-forties recalling the last time I saw my Dad. I was just fourteen when he commented suicide. I remember what had happened that early morning. The bits and pieces were now all coming together. I was experiencing ecstasy. I remember. Next into grieving tears I had held tightly locked away. The joy and the agony of emotion switching, twisting and turning as my thoughts seemed out of control. The experienced instructor, encouraged me to follow through with more counseling. He understood what was happening. He recognized the reaction I was having recalling the blocked memory. What I hadn’t realized at the time, just how much had been stored away, another key was yet to be discovered. The heavy guilt I carried, that kept me hooked into saving men. My thinking that I was on earth only to provide for the pleasures of others, protect others, save others. I could begin to identify, that my worth as a woman was based often on my sexuality. “Women who are eroticized as a child grow up giving off sexual messages unknowingly.” Often attracting unwanted attentions; or something along that line, a counselor once shared. It wasn’t true. Now, I can pin point the men in my life, I was attracted to who appreciated me for more than just my body. One purpose of sharing my trauma’s is to share awareness of the many modalities for healing. Many teachers are available to offer guidance. Professionals know and understand better today behavioral issues and patterns. Our Mental Health is a big issue during the pandemic. With the pandemic, more people our home. If there our damaging gases, fumes, poison in our homes, all people need to be made aware of the effect it could be having on their mental thinking and behaviors. I have experienced effects of gas leaks and outcomes from breathing toxins. Physical and mental health are put at jeopardy. The reason for sharing my experiences is to give hope and open possibilities. We are all able to connect with our inner self. We just need to make time to go with in, and listen. Again, there are so many teachers who have gone before us. Years of research and history are making mental health questions easier to find answers for behaviors. I wish to give hope and knowledge we are a part of a greater plan. So, just relax and enjoy the ride. Choose love over fear. No matter how bad it looks, there is hope and peace if you look for it.
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Author“Big people are supposed to keep little people safe.” Helping children recognize the importance of “feeling safe” was one of my missions as a Children’s Case Manager working for the local Mental Health Agency. Archives
March 2021
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